It’s ok to not love your baby

Well I finally got a new keyboard.   YAY, this counts as adulting today.

Getting back to normal.  I’m sitting in my office watching Prometheus and typing this to you while sipping on some red wine.  Rob is in his office enjoying the heater I bought him while he was away.  I just put some bread on and I can hear the bread machine churning away.  Charlie is asleep.  Home doesn’t feel right without your someone in it.  Glad my someone is back.2016-06-09 17.44.17.jpg

Firstly a shout out to the delicious red i have been sipping this week.   It has very rich blackcurrant tones and a smooth finish.  Perfect wine to get drunk with as it glides down the throat easily.  Easily one of the best Cab Savs I’ve had in awhile.  Picked up this bottle for just under $20.

Secondly I wanted to talk about being a Mom. I have been reading some other blogs and I found that there  are a few other Mums out there that are in the same situation I was in.  So here I go.  Chin up, it does get better, and ask for help.

My time as a Mom has not been peaches and cream.  In fact it was the opposite.  I am very much surprised that Charlie turned out to be so well adjusted, I was sure all the stress and crazy would have affected him in some way.

After he was born and I returned to work I thought i would tell all my pregnant acquaintances something I wish someone had told me.  It’s ok not to love your baby.  Your baby is a person and you will learn to love them, but sometimes it takes time. Especially for those of us that were asleep for the birth and don’t have that rush of endorphins and dopamine.  After the few people I warned about this had their babies and seemed so in love from the start I assumed I was broken and didn’t talk about it anymore.

Charlie was very sick from the start.  He was constantly constipated and had severe Colic as i mentioned in an earlier post.  Most of the time we spent together in the first three months we were both sitting on the couch crying.  I struggled to get out of the house, I had massive anxiety about everything.  It seemed easier to internalise and sit on the couch.   I never got to bond with the other Mothers because we could never seem to leave the house and when we did, as soon as he started crying I would leave because it was so horrible for me.   We spent hours driving around while he slept, sometimes i would sit in the driveway crying while he slept because I had to pee and I was scared to wake him.  It made it worse because I felt so alone.  No one could help me.  No one understood.  All the other babies we met seemed perfect.  So who could I talk to about all this?  Things started to look up after he was around 3 months old and the doctors finally believed us that it wasn’t normal colic and there as something actually wrong.  After we played with some formulas and weaned off the breast he started to improve.  He was fun and he smiled and laughed.  I was already falling in love with him, but now I got to experience what other Moms got to feel. That rush of joy and love when they see their baby, even when he was crying.

It was also around this time that I was properly diagnosed with OCD and started medication.  That in itself was a horrible journey.  The first 6 weeks of medication I had to cope with the side effects and the drugs weren’t even working.  It takes a while to build up in your system.  During this time I would experience severe nausea and dizziness.  Sitting up in bed most days was a chore.  After a couple months the drug started to kick in and I felt better than I had in my whole adult life.  My anxiety dreams (which i always thought was normal) had ceased, I was able to think through a situation without assessing every possible outcome, which made getting through a bad day much more manageable.

Life since then has improved greatly.  Charlie is flourishing and is so amazing i can’t stand it.  I am filled with more love than i thought was possible.  Sometimes I burst into tears because I can’t contain this level of emotion.  the thought that one day he will move away or grow a beard is enough to set me off.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So to all you Moms out there.  It is ok.  You are NOT alone.  ALL Mothers are struggling with themselves, but no one talks about it.  And best of all this too shall pass.  Don’t forget to ask for professional help!  Even just having someone to talk to that isn’t about the baby or your partner can be a blessing worth paying for.

I love you all and I wish you the best.  Feel free to email me if you want to talk about it, haramis@live.com

 

 

 

 

 

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